


Hot and Buttered II: The Cornholing

by cmonlauraweremarriednow



Series: Bad MSR [6]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Crack, F/M, Food Porn, NSFW, Smut, bad fic is the best fic, not safe for life, not safe for people, not safe for vegetables, not safe for work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 08:50:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17722028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cmonlauraweremarriednow/pseuds/cmonlauraweremarriednow
Summary: Scully misses Mulder and discovers a kink of her own.





	Hot and Buttered II: The Cornholing

It was the Fourth of July and Dana Scully was hornier than Ben Franklin’s mistress and angrier than his jilted wife. 

It was just like Mulder to abandon her at the last minute to chase down a dubious UFO sighting in the Nevada desert and leave her entirely alone with her family at Maggie’s annual Independence Day picnic. A picnic to which he had promised to accompany her. 

She had already arrived at Maggie’s house before he had bothered to tell her he was bailing. She had even packed her most festive red, white and blue lingerie, a set featuring a thong so skimpy the heads of the forefathers would roll right off Mount Rushmore. God bless America indeed. 

She pressed the phone closer to her ear, straining to hear him over the poor connection one would expect when one’s boyfriend goes gallivanting off with his little buddies to the middle of nowhere. She could barely hear him over the static, but just the slightest sound of his voice had made her sopping wet. She hung up the phone with a frustrated cry and chucked it to the floor. Byers, Langly and Frohike could forget about her bringing home any leftovers of Maggie’s famous tri-colored layered Jello dessert. 

“I take it Fox won’t be coming after all?” Maggie called from the kitchen. 

“No, Mom, he’s not,” Scully sighed angrily as she willed her pussy to stop dripping before it seeped through her shorts and everyone saw her dirty little secret. 

“I’m sorry, dear,” her mother murmured sympathetically, as she finished tossing the salad and moved to carry it out the patio door. “Why don’t you come out with the rest of the family? The salad and corn are ready and the rest of the food will be done soon.”

“Yeah, I’ll be out in just a few minutes, Mom. I think I’m going to go change my clothes. These shorts aren’t as...comfortable...as I thought.”

She waited until the door swung shut behind her mother before she stood to head upstairs. New shorts were not what she needed. She needed to be satisfied. She knew her fingers wouldn’t be enough and had she known of Mulder’s intended abandonment, she could have at least brought a little something to ease her ache. But really, she needed a cock, and not just any cock. Only a certain foxy cock would do. And oh, did it do it well. She gushed again at the thought. 

Scully groaned and her loins quavered with the unrelieved tension. The effect he had on her, even when he wasn’t there, was just not fair. But then, she spied something that just might do the trick. Sitting on a plate in the kitchen, in all of its steaming glory, was a perfect pyramid of corn on the cob. She swiped the thickest cob, an idea percolating. 

She stole away to he bedroom and locked the door behind her, shucking off her shorts as fast as she could, desperate to fill her leaking, aching holes with something besides her own fingers.

Crouching on all fours on the bed, Scully ran the warm, steamy vegetable across her slit, rotating it as she went to slick the surface in her buttery juices. 

When the corn was sufficiently lubricated, she stood the corn upright on its cob, keeping one hand around it while using the other to balance herself above it. Then, finally, blessedly, she sank down onto it, easing it inside her. She gasped as she stretched around the girth naturally ribbed for her pleasure, just as God intended. 

She rose up before plunging down again, the nubs of the corn rubbing so deliciously against her front wall. She bit her lip to stifle her moans of his name. 

Fucking Mulder. It was all his fault that she had to resort to this maize debauchery. If he had just been here to satisfy her like he had promised, she wouldn’t be forced to do this. Instead of corn, she would be blissfully filled with his pulsing Spooky sausage. 

She slowed her movements just enough to find her cell phone. If she had to be subject to this frustration, so would he. 

She speed-dialed his number and the phone immediately went to voicemail without ringing. His voice came on the speaker and her vagina spasmed at the voice of its master. She waited for the beep to resume her throttling speed. 

Scully grunted as she pumped the corn harder over and over, arousal building with her frustration. Her voluptuous breasts bounced so hard she almost gave herself a black eye. 

How dare that spooky fucker abandon her. For a fucking alien road trip. She hoped his balls were as blue as the corner of Old Glory. 

She pinched her throbbing lady kernel with reckless abandon, crying out his name. Star-spangled ecstasy burst like fireworks through her body. Her juices flowed around the corn like hot butter, as she came to a shuttering stop. 

She slumped over, breathless, his name a final moaned sigh on her wet lips. She ejected the corn from her spent hole and ended the call. 

“Dana!” Maggie called from downstairs. “Lunch is ready!” 

“I’ll be down in just a minute, Mom!” she shouted back, pulling on a pair of clean shorts while doing her best to steady her voice to a respectable timbre and not sound like she had just been writhing over a nubbly vegetable in her childhood bedroom. 

She headed downstairs, pausing at the back door to catch her breath before rejoining the chattering gaggle of Scullys at the picnic table. She slipped the soiled corn on her plate amongst salad, potato chips, and hot dogs with no one the wiser. 

She smiled and nodded her way through lunch, her mind somewhere else entirely. The lingering ache of her loins had yet to subside. 

Had he listened to her voicemail yet? Was he as desperate for her as she still was for him?

“Hey Dana,” Bill Jr’s voice broke through her reverie. He poked at the corn as if to take it from her plate “Are you going to eat that?”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments make me the happiest clam in all the sea  
> You can also follow me on Tumblr [@realmofextremepossibility!](http://realmofextremepossibility.tumblr.com)


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